yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
