You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
