1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Randomize
