1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
These tits shall not be calmed
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
