he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
