She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
