Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
