ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
