You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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