So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.