Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
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I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.