OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"