what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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