I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
