Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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