you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
