don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
