I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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