My Higher Power is John Stamos
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.