the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail