he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".