My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
