The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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