she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
