3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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