Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
