Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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