Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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