don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
