"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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