She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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