she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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