You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
