So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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