Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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