The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
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Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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