Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
