That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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