Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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