Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
