I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
