I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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