So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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