just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
