would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
