I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
well you can't waste a boner
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
