I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
