Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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