Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
