yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
