phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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