whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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