I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
