I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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