You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
