She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
