i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
