I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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