I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
